Monday, July 03, 2006

I'm Back!

Man, I've been busy the last couple weeks. Last week is the busiest week at my job (fiscal year end), and at the same time I spent the whole week driving down to South Central after work to teach ESL. The whole week leading up to this, I was utterly freaked out. I've spent a lot of time over the last couple months observing classes, attending seminars, etc., and I knew that it was actually pretty simple, in fact much simpler than many of the things I'm asked to do at my job, but in the back of my mind, I was sure, positive, as sure as I've ever been about anything in my life, that I was going to fail.

When I called up the assistant principal the week before, she assured me that there would be a lesson plan for me when I arrived the next Monday. I got there, there was no lesson plan. So I had to stand up in front of a class of non-English speakers and basically make shit up off the top of my head for three hours. In other words, my worst fears came true. Like a damn nightmare. But on the plus side, it couldn't really get worse from there, right?

So I went home that night and came up with some lesson plans. The next day, I wasn't really scared like I had been the day before, but I was just depressed that I had to go back to that fuckin' place. But having a lesson plan--this is another "duh" thing, but man, it was so much easier. I mean, it's still hard compared to what I'm doing now. Not really hard but...you have to be present, and that's what I'm realizing that I've been trying to avoid all these years. I've been finding jobs where I have to be less and less present. What I do now, I sit at a desk, and through the course of the day, really only have to interact with three people, just barely, and the same three people every day, you know? I can basically space out and...well, write on my blog and shit when I should be working. I don't really have to think about what I'm doing, don't have to interract with people...like I said, I don't have to be present. And that's a pretty unhealthy way to go through life.

And you would think I would feel angry at myself, for having spent so much of my life being mentally absent, but I don't. That's just my life. Anyway, I'm very happy right now that I know that I can do it.

So I'm back. Let's boogie.

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